the downfalls of gender fluidity

These past couple days, and today especially, the level of dysphoria I’ve been feeling is just overwhelming. There’s always such a sense of incompleteness in my life, and I don’t think there’s anything I can do about it. When I wake up feeling an overwhelming urge to just shave my head, and put on a suit, and stick a sock in my pants so it looks like I have a penis – it’s just something I can’t handle. I look in the mirror, or I go to take a shower and it’s like this total imposter is in place of my body, and I can’t get rid of them. I can’t just alter my body parts at will, as affirming as that would be, I’m not a robot. It just, it’s so hard looking in the mirror and wanting to see this guyish, deep-voiced, broad-shouldered man looking at me. If this is all I wanted, then whatever, I would take hormones and become this full-time man. But unfortunately, it’s not that easy.

Those are the hardest days. When I wake up and feel feminine – when I want to see this cute, big-eyed girl with perky boobs in the mirror reflection: that’s easier to deal with. It’s a matter of just putting on a padded bra, and throwing on a wig, and some makeup, and I’m satisfied for the moment. And then some time passes, and I want to shave my entire head, and it becomes such an overpowering desire that I just end up doing it – and you see where I’m going with this. Weeks or months or days later, I always come back around and regret shaving my head, and I let it grow out, and it becomes this awful, never-ending cycle of dysphoria and irrationality. And I feel…. there isn’t much I can do about it, I can’t be every gender at once or even convincingly pass as the sex I’m not, and it’s so emotionally draining.

It’s just not a matter of female/male. I don’t know. Sometimes I go for a walk and I want strangers to look at me and seriously question my gender. You know, or I want them to question their sexuality looking at me, or I want them to wonder how I identify even if it’s none of their business. Some people seem to do this so flawlessly and I just can’t pull it off in a way that I’m satisfied with, and I’ve tried a thousand different ways. I’m always too feminine, or my hips are too big, or my chest is too small, or my hair is too awkward-lengthed. There’s never any satisfaction with what I wear or say or do. Can I not just be one or the other? Can I not just be a man or a woman instead of ruining my mental health trying to be everything? And so few people understand – they can empathise, but they haven’t been there, and so they can’t really understand on an emotional level.

It’s just something I’m having a lot of trouble dealing with, especially lately. I guess, growing up, I always just blocked out the feelings so I didn’t have to deal with them, and then when they do get acknowledged, they’re just that much worse from years of avoidance. It’s not a topic that’s easy to bring up off of the internet, so I don’t really try. It feels like people are still so judgmental towards trans people and trans issues themselves, even just bringing them up to others can be anxiety-inducing a lot of the time. But I don’t know. It’s just something I need to get out of my brain. It’s like: how can I be true to myself/happy with myself and also feel like I fit into society? That’s the million dollar question.

Published by featherquills

i am a misfit and a wanderer, captivated by the mysteries of the universe and the secrets of humanity.

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